A Christmas Contest!!

I'm a little late, but I had a great idea for all my fabulous readers and followers...

With Christmas upon us, I've decided to exploit the holidays for my own selfish gain by driving traffic to my blog with a contest. (Okay, it's not ENTIRELY selfish...)

The prize? 

Your choice of any ebook on Amazon up to $5.00 US. A Christmas gift you choose for yourself, so you'll definitely be pleased with it. And if you're not, then you only have yourself to blame. Lol, kidding, but seriously, no returns. 

The catch? 

Since I'm an indie author and I totally love supporting my fellow indie authors, the book your choose can ONLY be by an indie/self-pubbed author. There are SO many excellent authors out there who just don't get the attention they deserve because they don't have big name publishers shoving their books into the media. With mad respect and love to the big-name authors like Stephen King, Nicholas Sparks, Dean Koontz, James Patterson, and more talent than I have room to mention, I have to give support to indie authors. 

The contest? 

Let's be festive. I'll give you quotes from some Christmas-themed (or Christmas related) movies. You tell me the answers. If you get at least ten right out of 15, your name goes into a drawing for the prize, and if you get ALL 15 right, you get your name in five times. On Christmas Eve at 10pm Eastern time the contest closes, and all the entries are put into random.org for the drawing. The winner will be announced on Christmas day!

But Ashley, this is a blog! If I put all my right answers in the comments, everybody else will see them and be able to cheat!

I thought of that. So please do NOT post your entries in the comments. Instead, please go to my Facebook page and message me your entry. Is it an extra step? Yep. Is it worth it? I hope so, because I'm putting a lot of effort into this, lol!

Sound fun? Then what are you waiting for? 

Christmas Quotes

1.     "4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, jazzercize; 6:30, dinner with me - I can't cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing... I'm booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9, I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness. But what would I wear?"

2.     "You're all fired, in the morning you'll all be on a bus back to Elfistan!"

3.     "The only person that I let in on the fact that I was still alive was a six-year-old kid. I'm gonna be six years old again. Well, John, it's been fun, but I gotta go. I have a date with six-year-old boy... and you have a date with death."

4.     "Maybe I'm off my hinges, but I believe you. That's why I'm gonna let you go. I'm gonna give you to the count of three to get your lousy, lyin', low-down, four flushing carcass OUT my door! 1... 2...(gunfire)...3. Merry Christmas, you filthy animal. And a Happy New Year."

5.     "Cause when the thermometer gets all reddish, the temperature goes up. And when the temperature goes up, I start to melt! And when I start to melt, I get all wishy-washy."

6.     "We're your worst nightmare. Elves with attitude."

7.     " Do you believe in love at first sight? Nah, I betcha don't, you're probably too sensible for that. Or have you ever, like, seen somebody? And you knew that, if only that person *really* knew you, they would, well, they would of course dump the perfect model that they were with, and realize that YOU were the one that they wanted to, just, grow old with. Have you ever fallen in love with someone you haven't even talked to? Have you ever been so alone you spend the night confusing a man in a coma?"

8.     "It was...soap...poisoning."

9.     "When you've got a hit like we have, Patch, the people don't wanna wait a whole year, they're dying for a sequel! A sequel. That's it. We'll bring it out on March 25, and we'll call it... Christmas II!"

10.     "She's my family now. Everyone should be home for Christmas! I'll be home for Christmas, and I'm going to bury the hatchet in your head."

11.     I'm gonna give you a little advice, Claire... Scrape 'em off. You wanna save somebody? Save yourself!"

12.     "Shitter's full!"

13.     "In this town we call home
        Everyone hail to the pumpkin song

        In this town, don't we love it now
        Everybody's waiting for the next surprise!"

14.     "First of all, keep him out of the light, he hates bright light, especially sunlight, it'll kill him. Second, don't give him any water, not even to drink. But the most important rule, the rule you can never forget, no matter how much he cries, no matter how much he begs, never feed him after midnight."

15.     "Cassie! That marker in your mouth, I peed on it!"

Okay, there's all fifteen movie quotes. Some of them are easy, some are challenging, some are tricky, but I PROMISE they are all Christmasy movies! All you need is ten right, so message me your list numbered 1-15 on my Facebook Page for a chance to win! Don't forget, if you get all 15 right, you get your name entered in FIVE times!

And...GO!!

Guest Post from Indie Author William G. Muir

Musing on Christmas Traditions 



Hello Drunken Space Penguins, my name is William and I’m an alcoholic...Oh wait a minute this is not a twelve step program; also I’m not much of a drinker. Now that we have gotten that awkwardness out of the way we can get down to what we all came here for, shameful monkey butt loving orgies! What, the orgies are on Thursdays? I guess the only thing left to do is blog.


Like I mentioned above my name is William. Ashley has asked me if I wouldn’t mind penning a guest blog. At first I was hesitate to do this, not only has it been some time since I updated my own blog, I have never been asked to be a guest blogger before. This is an extremely scary thing for me, the reason I rarely blog is because I feel like I have nothing of interest to say. A sentiment my friend and co-writer Michala would greatly disagree with. However I have a topic that I would like do some musing on today.


So what is it that I have decided to share with you fine readers, Christmas. More to the point I would like to share some feelings I have about the Christmas season compared to the rest of the year. Recently I was listening to a podcast where the host bitched about how everything about Christmas is the same. All the movies are the same thing year after year. That there is nothing new; they keep making the same thing over and over. Anything that tries something new is immediately rejected.  


It is not only in Christmas movies that we prefer the older, traditional themes. In every Christmas story that we read, in every Christmas song that we listen to, every Christmas special that we watch on the television screen to the decorations we put up. Every year we want to not only recreate the memories of Christmas’ past, but we want to make a connection to a Christmas past that came before we were even born. We want that to experience that Victorian Christmas that Dickens wrote about in A Christmas Carol.


This stands in contrast to the rest of the year. For eleven months we are open to latest things our culture has to offer. Every Tuesday in store across the land you can find what is new in personal media. You can walk into any shopping mall and pick up the latest CD by your favorite artist, a Blu-ray copy of that blockbuster you saw just a few weeks prior, and a book that is sure to be on the New York Times Best Seller list by the end of the week.


I know when I was younger, and had much more disposable income, my best friend Mike and I every weekend would catch at least one if not two new movies. Without fail we performed what became a secular ritual for use for quite a number of years. Every Saturday and Sunday, after we would get off work, we would head down to the River Fall Mall and the Green Tree Cinema see what time the next viewing was, get a bite to eat, walk around the mall and then buy our tickets. It didn’t matter if the movie was good or not, what was important was that we were seeing the latest movies before all our friends did.


You can see how important new things are during this eleven month period. Starting on December 31 we can’t wait to toss the old year out on its rear in and welcome the New Year in with a glass of champagne, a kiss and open arms. Groundhogs Day we want to know just how much longer will winter be hanging around and when it will move on out letting the rebirth of Spring take its place. Even Halloween is an ever evolving holiday. I can remember back when I was a kid, it was only us kids that celebrate the holiday. Our parents sat at home and handed out candy. It was such a kid holiday back then I remember one Halloween the kids I was trick or treating with knock on this one door interrupting a young couple who were just moments from fucking. They shouldn’t have had their lights on if they didn’t want kids knocking on their door.


Now a days Halloween has become much safer for kids, to steal a joke from Jim Gaffigan, it is an excuse for women to dress like hookers. Not all of them of course, but browse the offering for costumes sold to adult females, there is no denying they are somewhat racy. We didn’t carry flashlights back then, and glow sticks were just come out. We went out without adult supervision, stayed out past midnight and walked over half the square mileage of Manhattan, KS. I’m not trying to make a value judgment on which era was better (that is because it is so obvious that it was better when I was a kid) I just wanted to point out how times have changed and that we have embraced newer dynamics in the way we celebrate this ancient holiday.      


The first Christmas tradition that I would like to talk about can be divided into three parts. The reason I’m combining these three is because they are all variation on a theme, which is the first complaint, Christmas has become too commercialized. Many people believe the focus of the season has shifted away from the celebration of birth of their Lord and Savior Jesus and has become all about the purchasing of gifts. For these people the shift from religious festival to a secular holiday is one of a number of signs this country has turned its back on God and is heading down the wrong track.


Then there those people who get upset when Christmas merchandise starts to appear in the store before Halloween arrives. It seems like almost everybody in the United States loses their shit over this one, and I for one cannot understand why. First of all I love it when the Christmas decorations start to arrive in the store. I love it so much that I wished they had a section of the store dedicated to Christmas merchandise all year long. Anytime I hear somebody complaining about this I want to tell them just ignore it, it is not hurting you in the slightest. I would give the same advice to people who complain about junk mail and spam.


The finally thing people like to complain about is Black Friday. I come to the conclusion about people who complain about Black Friday, these are the kind of people who think they are better than everybody else, the snobs. These are the same people that will gleefully tell you that they don’t watch television and turn down their noses at the mere thought of the sporting event. They make sure everybody knows that they think the people who are waiting in line for the doors of Wal-Mart to open up are nothing more than mindless drones sucking off the teat of mother corporate America. They say all of this while hoping you don’t catch them in line to get that television that is on sale, the one that they don’t watch.  


There are far more positive traditions we all associated with Christmas. Whether they are traditions that are within our families, in our communities or as a whole world (those parts that recognize the holiday). Every household, every year puts up a Christmas tree, but each individual family has their own way of going about it. There are some families that put the tree up as soon as they possibly can. As soon as Thanksgiving dinner is over with they are breaking out the ornaments and sing O’ Christmas Tree as they string up the lights. Other families wait until the week before Christmas to get everything set up. What kind of tree are you putting up; do you have fond memories of Christmases past and the woodsy smell of a real tree? Or do you skip the headache of searching lot after lot not only to find the best deal, but to find that tree that is completely symmetrical. To make sure there are no gaps in your tree you go with an artificial one.


What would the holiday be without all the Christmas specials? Every year the movies studios and the television stations create tons of new media try to get our attention. Every now and then one or two, say A Home Alone, A Die Hard, or Scrooged breaks through and joins the ranks of such beloved classics as Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, A Christmas Carol or Frosty the Snowman. All of the other contenders are never heard from again. Why do some new special make it in while others don’t? What I believe is that those that make it through connect with that feeling of tradition. They find a way to take what we all hold dear and find a new way of looking at it. Whereas those that fail never try to connect us to those feelings.


The final thought I would like to leave you dear readers is that Christmas is a time of year to slow down and to reflect on life. Not only about the twelve month period that we have just lived through, but our lives and our society in general. It is a time to see just how far was come and to think about where it is we want to be when Christmas comes back around the next year. It is time to cherish those that we love, let the new people in our lives know how glad we are they have entered our lives, and to not only miss but to honor those that are no longer with us.


For eleven months out of the year we are witness to all the hardships that come with living in a modern human society. We see how cold and cruel the system can be to each and every one of us, especially the less fortunate among us. So please don’t forget another one of the Christmas tradition, seeing after your fellow man. When you are exiting the department store, do not blow by the bell ringer, dig into your pocket and place something in the bucket. Even if it is just the change the cashier just handed to you, it is better than nothing. If you can afford to do so donate a toy so a child doesn’t wake up Christmas morning with nothing under the tree.

Bless those who are not are not as blessed as yourself.





By William G. Muir

Top Ten List Part II

Did you miss me? Or my faves of the nineties? You're in luck! I'm back with Part Deux (that's French!) of my Top Ten Things I Miss About The 90's. Let's not waste time, here ya go!



Top 10 Things I Miss About the 90's Part II

6.     Grunge. All things grunge, but especially the music. Namely, Nirvana. I can't stress enough to you how much I deeply miss the grunge music and fashion and the "whatever, I don't give a f**k about anything" attitude...omigosh, it needs to come back. Especially Nirvana.








7.     Toys were simpler. Kids didn't demand the newest iPod or iPhone or iPad or big screen TV for their bedroom with internet connection so they can watch YouTube all day and night. Oh no. We had moon shoes, skip it, Simon Says, Barbie dolls, GI Joe figurines, Trollz dolls, slap bracelets, the original Furby, POGS, the Viewmaster, Sega Genesis (complete with Sonic the Hedgehog, Mortal Kombat, and Street Fighter), Lite Brite, Tamagotchi/Digipets/Nanopets (whatever the hell they were called)...clearly, 90's kids were among the last to actually play with toys that weren't an i-anything.






8.     90's slang/terminology. Omg, wtf, gtfo, stfu...WhatEVER! Possibly made most popular by Cher in the movie Clueless (btw, if you've never seen the movie, GO WATCH IT. Immediately.), the slang we used in the 90s makes the crap used today sound lazy and lacking in enthusiasm and creativity. I mean, things like: "psyche," "all that and a bag of chips," "eat my shorts," "as if," "NOT," "da bomb," "don't go there," "talk to the hand," "gettin' jiggy," "dope," "no duh," "cut. it. out," "word," "going postal," "chill pill," "can of whoop-ass," "you go girl/boy." There are so many more, and forgive me if some of these cross decades (I'm getting old here, my memory is blurring a bit), but this is a good list to start with. We didn't abbreviate words out of sheer laziness, we invented words and new ways to use old ones.

9.     Teen idols. Now, to be fair, there ARE teen idols nowadays. But so help me if you think I'm going to sit here and accept that Miley Cyrus' vulgar, inappropriate, repulsive, depraved "performances" are acceptable or something that I would ever let any child in my care - be it my own child, a sibling, a niece/nephew, a friend's kid, or anyone - watch, you are demented! The same goes for the heartthrobs. I get that Justin Beiber (or however you spell his name) plays to his audience and gets the little girls all gaga, but that's still a terrible influence and/or role model. We had JTT, Devon Sawa, Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears (pre-total meltdown), Mandy Moore, Gwen Stefani, Jonathan Brandis (RIP), Brad Renfro (RIP), Andrew Keegan, Nick Carter, BOTH Lawrence brothers (Joey and Matthew), Rider Strong, Mark Paul Gosselaar - and I should mention these are NOT in any particular order! Although I legit had this exact magazine pinup on my wall in high school. I might have to find the pics I took of my old room before I moved out just to show you how totally 90s I was.








10.     My youth. Lol, okay so this one is just for me, but any 90's kids might agree with me that time is just whizzing by! And with that brings the loss of our youth. I might not be ancient or anything, but I'm definitely no spring chicken anymore, and time is already beginning to take its toll on my body. Seriously, I stand up after sitting for a while, and things pop and I have no idea what body part it comes from...hehe.








I do miss many things from my younger days, though truth be told, I probably wouldn't relive high school again. Or middle school. Or grade school. I actually like who I am now and where I am in my life, even if it is passing me by at an alarming rate. And that's pretty awesome.


Did I leave anything off the list? If so, share below! I'm sure there are plenty!!

Author Interview - Addie J. King

The Penguin rustled up a special treat for you! Today, we have the honor of hosting an interview with the talented Addie J. King, author of The Wonderland Woes, The Anderson Ancestry, and The Grimm Legacy, to name a few of her works. She's absolutely fabulous, and I'm so pleased to have the chance to share her with some of the greatest readers and followers on the planet. (I'm talking about YOU here!)

This fabulous author let us interview her, so without wasting another minute with me blathering on, let's meet Addie J. King!

DSP: For starters, tell us a bit about you, we like to get to know our authors as a person! 

Addie King: My name is Addie J. King. I’m a full time lawyer who also writes modern day fantasy…although there seems to be some element of mystery or courtroom drama that seems to work its way into just about everything I write, whether I mean to or not. My stuff qualifies as New Adult. I’m somewhere north of thirty, married, a stepmom, my favorite color is blue, and I have a cat that I refer to on social media as my Fuzzy Minion. If you follow me on Facebook, you’ll also see me sharing lots of recipes; I love to cook, I just don’t always have the time, so I share things to save for later!

DSP: Nice to meet you! So tell us, where did you find the inspiration for your most recent book?

AK: My latest book is THE WONDERLAND WOES, which is actually book three of a series. The first book was THE GRIMM LEGACY and the second was THE ANDERSEN ANCESTRY. I’m writing book four at the moment. The whole series came about when I was looking for new ideas, and I watched the movieThe Brothers Grimm, with Heath Ledger and Matt Damon. I liked parts of the movie, and parts of it left me thinking about how I could tell a story with the Grimm Brothers better. Or at least, how would I tell it? I started doing research on Jakob and Wilhelm Grimm, and found out that they studied law prior to studying folklore and linguistics, and I was off to the races with an idea. Luckily, my publisher likes the idea, and has allowed me to flesh it out into a series.

DSP: So, do you have any kind of ritual for writing? Such as, you have to write with music on, or you can only write when you’re completely alone, etc.

AK: Ritual? I wouldn’t know what that is. Generally my writing time is me ensconsed on the couch with the netbook on my lap, with the cat trying to climb over the screen into my lap, typing away while the television is blaring in the background, the stepson working on homework or playing videogames and the husband talking and checking facebook…all in the same room. I’ve tried to write in a quiet room by myself and I just can’t do it…the quiet is too distracting! I write on my lunch break, when I’ve got a few spare moments, and in evenings and on weekends. I’ve even taken the netbook to the soccer field and typed while my stepson was off the field when I was on deadline.

DSP: Do you foresee any more books to continue this story? If so, do you think we can get a taste of what’s to come?

AK: Well, I sure hope so…I’m writing THE BUNYON BARTER at the moment…and once the edits, etc., are done, I’ll be embarking on the final book of the series, THE PERRAULT VOW. Yes, this series will close at five books.

Book Four has American tall tales coming to life with the same set of cast and characters…who have to help Paul Bunyon to retrieve his cow-napped ox, Babe, as well as main characters who are starting their bar exam applications and job searches in their last year of law school. Book Five will involve a bar exam, a wedding (though I’m not saying WHOSE wedding that might be!), a talking cat with boots, a magical gown and slippers as well as the return of an evil stepmother and the story of Bert the irreverent talking frog.

DSP: Do you have any aspirations to be similar or comparable to another author? Why?

AK: That’s a hard question. I don’t want to be derivative, or be just like someone else, but I’d say that my style is a blend between Christopher Moore and Janet Evanovich. Cory Doctorow has been an influence, as well as Neil Gaiman, Terry Pratchett, and Douglas Adams. I like to write fun, funny stuff, but I do want there to be a point to the story other than just entertainment.

DSP: Do you believe in fate or destiny?

AK: Um, yes? Both? It’s hard not to believe in either one. I signed a contract with a book that included a stepmom…and two weeks later I met my husband…and later became one. Hard not to believe there isn’t a bigger hand in things than we know…

DSP: What’s your favorite candy? Ice cream?

AK: Sour Patch Kids. I love ‘em. Can’t get enough of them. I have to be careful with them, though, because too many will make the mouth sore from the citric acid in them. My other favorite candy would be Peppermint Chews from a small local chocolate and candy store in my hometown, called Marie’s Candies. Here’s a link… http://www.mariescandies.com/pech1lb.html

As for ice cream, the best is Mint Chocolate Moose Tracks. With chocolate shell topping.

DSP Would the 8-year-old version of yourself kick your ass or praise you for what you’ve done with your life?

AK: My inner 8 year old makes the squee noise whenever I see my name on the spine of a book, or listed in a table of contents in an anthology. I was the 8 year old who got in trouble for reading when I was supposed to be vacuuming, reading when I was supposed to be mowing the yard, reading when I was supposed to be doing chores…or well, anything really. My poor mother…she was a school teacher, so how could she get after a kid for reading? How could she not get after a kid for not doing her chores? I’m sure there were plenty of moments that she felt really conflicted about this.

DSP: If you could meet one person (real or fictional, alive or deceased), who would it be, and what one question would you ask?

AK: One? You’re making me choose ONE? GAH! I have a list. A big one. Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Alice Paul, Charlotte Bronte, Baroness Orczy (who wrote THE SCARLET PIMPERNEL), Eleanor Roosevelt, Theodore Roosevelt, Abraham Lincoln…would be the ones deceased.

I keep meeting authors and writers at conventions, and this still amazes me that I meet some of them and maintain a semblance of cool. I met Patrick Rothfuss and was able to not only not make the Fangirl Squee Noise (patent pending, by the way, lol, ;-), but be on a panel discussion and a reading with him and sound coherent. I have had lunch with Debbie Macomber and dinner with Jeffrey Deaver, and was able to be a normal human. The one I’d most like to meet and the one I’m not sure I could hold it together for would be Joss Whedon. I’d ask Joss for his best writing advice when dealing with ensemble characters.

DSP: Imagine you’re the sole survivor of a plane crash at sea, and you awake stranded on a deserted and uncharted island in the Bermuda Triangle. Nobody knows you’re there, and you have nothing but the clothes on your back. You’re all alone, and there’s terrifying sounds coming from deep within the jungle. Late that night as you’re starving, a large suitcase washes up on the shore. You open it up. What’s in the suitcase?

AK: Hopefully a still working satellite phone with a good enough signal to call for help and get my butt off that island! In the absence of such a thing, I’m hoping for a book on survival in the tropics…’cause if I can look it up in a book, I might have an idea of what to do next!

Make sure you check out more on Addie and her books!

Addie J. King spends her days as an attorney in Urbana, Ohio, and writes paranormal mystery and contemporary fantasy whenever she can. Her blog can be found at www.addiejking.com. Her short story, "Poltergeist on Aisle Fourteen" was published in the anthology, MYSTERY TIMES TEN 2011, and her novels, THE GRIMM LEGACY, THE ANDERSEN ANCESTRY, and THE WONDERLAND WOES are available from Musa Publishing. An essay entitled, "Building Believable Legal Systems in Science Fiction and Fantasy" appeared in EIGHTH DAY GENESIS: A WORLDBUILDING CODEX FOR WRITERS AND CREATIVES.





How wonderful can Wonderland be if there's more danger than a visitor can see? 

Allie’s got a secret that she hasn’t shared with her friends, Janie Grimm, and Mia Andersen. Someone from her past is after her, and she’s got to keep them safe. When she realizes her childhood in Wonderland is putting her friends at risk, she jumps through a rabbit hole to lead the danger away from them, but it lands her back in the same situation she’d tried to escape just a few years before.

Janie, Mia, Bert, Aiden, and all the rest are getting more experienced with magical dangers, and they can’t let their friend sacrifice themself if they can help. They organize a trip to Wonderland to look for Allie, and meet the White Rabbit, the Queen, the Jabberwocky, the Caterpillar, the Mad Hatter and others along the way, as they find deadly nightslip mushrooms, magic gone awry, a magical realm trial for stolen tarts, and further relationship drama. But will they save their friend before it’s too late?




Didn't I tell you it was a special treat? I had the pleasure of meeting Addie at a local convention (yes, I'm a nerd, you should really know that by now!) called FandomFest. It was absolutely fabulous meeting her, even if the meeting was brief, because she left an impression. That's pretty awesome, coming from someone who can't remember her own birthday. (True story.)
If you wanna keep up with Addie, check out her stalker links below!

www.addiejking.com

http://www.amazon.com/Addie-J.-King/e/B005DYMDHQ

Twitter @addiejking

Facebook Addie J. King

Top 10 List Part 1

Dang, can you believe it's already December? I mean, I'm still waiting on summer to get here! Remember when older folks used to tell you, "When you get older you'll realize time goes by a lot faster?" Remember thinking, "Yeah, right. Fourth period lasts years, no way time will go by faster." Well, guess what? We were young, stupid, and despite thinking we were always right, we were SO wrong!! Holy snowflakes...

Okay, so in honor of being young, stupid, and knowing everything about nothing, as well as the exponentially increasing passing of time, I'm not gonna bother you with a top ten or top five list of Christmas-y things. Oh no. You get the top ten things I miss about the decade I miss the most. The 90's. Broken up into two posts. Which means one tonight, and another sometime later this week. When? You'll just have to check back and see!


Ashley's Top 10 Things I Miss About the 90s (Part I):

1. Boy Bands. Omigosh, *NSync, Backstreet Boys, Boyz II Men, 98 Degrees, Hanson, O-Town, NKOTB, Crazytown, LFO, All 4 One...the list just goes on. I miss having boy bands that were trendsetters. The "boy bands" of modern music are useless imitators trying to mimic the greats and bring back an era of music in which they don't stand a chance. No offense to anyone who likes modern music, I really mean that. I'm not insulting you. I just miss the days of boy bands who introduced the world to a fad that was too short-lived and that can never be rivaled. My opinion here. :)
   
   
   
   
2. MTV. I can barely stomach the idea that the letters MTV stand for Music Television but the networked stopped playing music videos before the decade ended. The introduction of "reality TV" (which is anything but real, by the way) like "The Real Life" and "Road Rules" suddenly changed the face of MTV from music to brain dead monkeys. I don't even know what kind of crap they air now. Since the loss of the music video, the network is cheap, generic, and pointless. Bring back music videos, damn it!
   
   
   
   
   
3. Good Disney Channel and Nickelodeon shows. This is kind of a pet peeve for me. I don't have kids, but if I did, they'd not be allowed to watch Disney or Nickelodeon. That crap they put out there for kids nowadays is brain damaging. I mean, Miley Cyrus was annoying and a terrible role model for girls before she went psycho brain dead cheap two bit whore. I have a little sister and some of the crap that she watches makes me realize she's either gonna be a stripper, a hooker, or failed pop star that lives at home with our mom for the remainder of her adult years because she won't be able to function in the REAL real world. Not because she's stupid - in fact, she's pretty brilliant and makes me one very proud big sis - but because these shows are her influence. Bring back Clarissa Explains it all, Are You Afraid of the Dark, Boy Meets World, GUTS, Mickey Mouse, Goofy, Saturday morning cartoons with a cat and mouse chasing each other with frying pans, Cinderella, Snow White, Aladdin, The Little Mermaid...
   
   
    
   
   
   
4. Cheap gas prices. Now, as a child, this affected me so little, but now as an adult, I'd happily saw off my left arm to get those gas prices down around $1.35 again. Consistently and long-term, of course. I'm not losing my arm for a week of low gas prices or anything.
   
   
   
   
   
5. Sitcoms. Where are the sitcoms? Okay, in fairness, there are a few decent ones, but they all get cancelled WAY too soon. But we had Friends, Saved by the Bell, Full House, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Family Matters, Home Improvement, Roseanne, and just a whole slew of others. Gone now are the days of the true sitcom. It's a lost art that NEEDS to make a reappearance before the current and future generations become brain dead morons.
   
   
   

Okay, there ya have it, Part I of the top ten 90s stuff I miss. Did your faves make the list? If not, check back later this week, I'll bitch a little more about the stuff I miss. :)

Why I Believe My Cat is Out to Destroy Me

Have you ever had a pure demonic spirit trapped roaming about your home wreaking havoc and driving you to the brink of insanity?

Oh, excuse me, what I meant to ask is, have you ever owned a cat?

Don't get me wrong, not all cats are hellspawns. In fact, I have one who is so well-behaved most people don't even believe he exists. But the other...she's a bitch. A cold-hearted, maniacal, loathesome bitch who is definitely plotting my demise.

Let's just make this easy and create a nice hefty list of the ways she's trying to torment me.

• She doesn't care about any pathetic scratching post. She is fully content with clawing the hell out of the wood door frames, the wood doors, the hardwood floors, the couch, the ottoman, my leg, my boobs, the coffee table, the countertops, the desk, the end tables...you see where I'm going with this, right? I basically have nothing that hasn't been shredded by this little turd.

• She knows EXACTLY where she's allowed and not allowed (like, inside the Christmas tree, on top of the corner shelving unit, etc) but she gets up there anyway. And when she does, she looks you dead in the eye with that looks that says, "What? What are you gonna do about it? Nothing. That's what."

• There's little better than when you're laying down at night or deeply absorbed in my laptop or a movie, and to suddenly hear a THUD. This little devil child will climb up on top of the entertainment center and shelves and - her favorite - the dresser and/or rolltop desk in the bedroom, look you in the eye, and just knock stuff down. No remorse, no care, just a challenge to get me to get up and chase her, which she ALWAYS wins.

• I don't think I can accurately describe the look in her eyes when she's doing these things. There's a very real and distinct understanding there that what she is doing is wrong, but she couldn't care less. In fact, everything she does is a challenge to me. Daring me to do anything about it. And why? Just to piss me off. Yes, really.

• We can't have a Christmas tree that isn't filled with holes from her burrowing into it. Plus we lose half our ornaments every year because she bats them down. Why? To piss me off. And I suspect in hopes that they will shatter and I will slip and fall and die. There's no catnip or food in my will for her, I have no idea what she hopes to accomplish with my demise.

• We've come to my all-time favorite: she pees in and on EVERYTHING. The walls, the couch, MY PURSES, the stove, the clean dishes, important paperwork, the dog's water bowl, the clean clothes, the dirty clothes, pillows, the bed, my books, the coffee table, bags, my Nook, CD's/DVD's, my laptop, my desktop, the TVs, cell phones, the ottoman, the antique chest passed down from my great great grandmother, electrical sockets, my coat, Andy's hats, the dog...there is nothing off-limits for this girl, and I can't tell you how many times she's ruined my life by peeing on something incredibly important. 

• After all the nightmarish things she does to torture me, she comes and curls up in my arms and becomes the most adorably adorable ball of adorableness that I temporarily forget her transgressions. Oh, she's good.

And the best part about it all? The moment I'm ready to drop kick her off a freeway bridge, she breaks out the adorable little kitten routine and I'm putty in her hands. She's conniving and she knows EXACTLY what she's doing. And this, my friends, is why I'm certain my cat is the furry spawn of Satan.