DSP: So, who are you, and where are you from?
Elrood: I am Elrood, and I work at the North Pole toy factory, "In the Grotto" as it were.
DSP: I've heard that before, I think. That's the name of a book Ashley's told me about, isn't it?
Elrood: Why, yes it is! Thank you for noticing. The first one is called “In the Grotto: Elrood the Elf” and contains three stories – including one where the Polar Games come North and I work on the events committee. If you thought the Olympics in London was fun, wait until you read this!
The second one is called “In the Grotto: Universal Merit,” which is about some key work being outsourced abroad to the South Pole. I go there and sort everything out. We upgrade the whole Naughty ‘n’ Nice system for the modern era.
DSP: So, these are kids' books?
Elrood: Eh, no. They’re not for kids, but they’re safe to read. You’ll find my workplace is pretty much like yours. Mad decisions are made, and the workers like me have to pick up all the pieces. Funny stuff happens and I just put it in the books.
I’m not one of those wasters you see in malls on an all-expenses paid trip to help the Boss out. I’m stuck back at the North Pole doing the real work. That’s why I decided to become an internationally acclaimed author.
DSP: Okay, then who is this Eddie McGarrity guy whose name is all over your books?
Elrood: He is my typist. A few years ago I found him drunk in an alley. He was in some mess, so I cleaned him up and gave him a job typing my autobiography “In the Grotto: Elrood the Elf”. He did quite a good job but don’t let him tell you he’s my “biographer” because he’s just the typist.
I let him do the follow-up because I continue to feel sorry for him. Plus, he does make a good cup of tea.
DSP: I see. Weird. Now, I did read a little of the books, though I was drunk beyond comprehension at the time. Your book says something in the beginning...what was it? Oh, right, "It's not all jam, you know..." Well, no, sir, I don't. What do you mean by that?
Elrood: Oh, it’s an old expression used in the grotto. And by jam, I mean jelly. It just means you might think it’s great, like jelly or peanut butter, or both, but it’s not. For example, it’s not all jam, you know, being asked for autographs all the time.
DSP: Hm. I think I need another drink for this one. **Downs two shots of vodka.** Okay, better already. So you have some crazy adventures. If I want to know more, how do I find out about all your adventures?
Elrood: Buy the book, obviously. But I've got a Facebook page facebook.com/ElroodTheElf and you can find me on twitter on @Elrood_The_Elf. You can’t fail to find some entertainment there. I answer questions and interact with my fans as well as keep you up to date with all the political and entertainment news. For example, Double-0 Elf had a film out this year and I tweeted about that a lot.
DSP: Sounds enthralling. Well, the holidays just passed, how did you spend your time?
Elrood: That is our busiest time of year. I was working flat out until the holidays. Production had to be finished on the 23rd of December. On the 24th it was all hands on deck down at Wrapping. Once that was all done, some of us packed it on the sleigh, sorted the reindeer out, then the Boss did the rounds. Whilst he squeezed his chimney-challenged frame into the houses, we knocked off for the night and got the whole of the 25th off. That’s right. A whole day! This year I went to my Mum ‘n’ Dad’s for dinner.
DSP: A whole day? Jeez, that's awfully generous of the old man. Well, it's a little late for this year, but do you think there's a way I can get that Furby for next year?
Elrood: That depends. Have you been Nice or Naughty? And you have to send your letter off to the Boss. Other than that, because I’m such a stickler for the correct process, I can’t help you.
DSP: Oh. Damn. I'm screwed. In that case, what's new for 2013?
Elrood: I’ll have a new book out, “In the Grotto: Elrood Down Under.” I’m taking a well-deserved holiday in Australia and this book will chronicle my hilarious adventure Down Under (do you see what I did there?)
Happy Christmas Everyone, and have a Happy New Year
DSP: Right. Same to you buddy. Thanks for the coal, too, by the way. **grumbles*
Well, the Penguin isn't necessarily the most gracious, kind, or personable being in the world, but he managed to score us an awesome interview. And to the typist, +Eddie McGarrity, thanks so much for giving us the opportunity to meet such an intriguing character! I hope meeting the Penguin didn't scar the poor guy too badly...