Tuesday, November 5, 2013

A Message From The Penguin

Hey-oh! It's The Penguin here, transmitting to you live from my ship orbiting the seventh moon of the planet Neriadne, in the Butterfinger Galaxy. Today I wanted to share with you the news of the universe, but since that could take a while, I'll just stick to this new planet Neriadne.

A newly developed planet made of a strange combination of milk chocolate and crispy rice, Neriadne is home to a strange alien species known as Tootsie Rolls. Each tootsie roll claims to be made from chocolate as well, but it's clear that this chewy brown substance is a far cry from chocolate. I'll be bringing back samples collected from this species when I return to Earth. They are a peaceful race, untainted by wars, racism, terrorism, sexual orientation conflicts, politics, or any other dispute as far as I can tell. The little bastards are a little cannibalistic, surviving off chocolate, rice, and the remains of the dearly departed primarily, however sometimes eating one another just for the hell of it. They feel no pain and have no souls, so this really affects no one except those hungry.

The vegetation on this planet is cocoa plants and rice fields-there is no other vegetation on this planet. There is no sun close enough to warm the planet so it never melts, yet it's not so frigid as to freeze the planet. It's cold, but not icy. It is indeed a very strange combination, and I've yet to deduce how the meager vegetation grows and thrives in such questionable conditions.

This just in: the mayor of Neriadne has just announced that the name of the planet will hereby and forevermore be known as Nestle Crunch. 

Well, that's all I have for you today. I'm cracking open a bottle and setting course for another new planet that was just formed this morning-Jack Daniels, in the Smirnoff Galaxy. I think I could really like it there.

As for Ashley...well, she's been a bit unreliable lately. She keeps whining about this silly little challenge, a NaNoWriMo something or other. But don't you worry, I gave her a tongue lashing just before this transmission, so I think she'll be paying more attention to you folks. You'll keep her in line for me, won't ya???

-The Penguin

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