Monday, July 22, 2013

Why Turning 30 Scares the Piss Out of Me

I decided to Google "Funny Facts About Turning 30" today. My thought was that I can psych myself into believing that it's not really a bad thing if I can make fun of it. Then I realized that the jokes--they're not that funny, because they're kinda true.

Boobs. For any female age 30 and up, you probably never realized until you were pushing 30 that your boobs suddenly seem to be looking down at the ground and hang a little lower. Well, that's because you never really paid attention. The theory of the saggy boobs was just a myth-something that happens when you hit 40 or 50. Oh, no, cupcake. Find a picture of your boobs from when you were twenty. You were in college, you KNOW you have a picture of your boobs somewhere. Now, pin them up against your boobs today. Yeah, that's called gravity, babe. And you don't have to have Double D's to be affected. A modest B+ turns into an F in time.

The Groan. Someone on some blog coined that term, and it's stuck with me for the last week or so. Why? Because now I freaking notice I make the groan. Some unintelligible muffled grunting sound that sneaks out every time you go to stand up or sit up in bed. Can you get up without making the moan? Yeah, it's possible, if you can remember to not allow yourself to make the groan. But if you're anything like me, you'll deny its existence until you realize you do it every dang day. Then you feel like an old fart.

Food and its effects on my aging body. I can no longer eat whatever I want. Remember when you were 19 and you could live off of pizza, buffalo wings, and booze? Now, at 29, I already have acid reflux, esophagitis, and a string of ulcers. Seriously, don't ya think that's kind of overkill?? Anyway, I have to be very careful what I eat now, spicy foods, greasy foods, or even foods with a lot of flavor can often have me curled up in a ball sweating bullets and begging for mercy. Unfortunately for me (since I'm a rather fluffy gal), that's a very unpleasant sight to behold. And it happens pretty frequently. The good news? I'm on a medicine for that.

Where the hell did all these drugs come from? Now, that's a question that a real party gal might have asked in high school/college, but now, it's not the illegal or recreational kind. It's a pill for the reflux, a pill for the fat, a pill for the girly disorders popping up, a daily vitamin...holy crap dude. I'm honestly using the auto-refill option at Walgreens that automatically refills your prescription every month and mails it to you. I don't have to leave my house again! That's a good and bad thing all rolled into one.

Wrinkles. Okay, jokes over. Where the eff did these little ugly lines come from, and what is this weird thing going on with my eyelids when I put on my eyeliner and shadow? Huh?? I don't remember seeing so many lines on my face or creases from my smiles or from crinkling my forehead. YIKES!!

Music today sucks. Seriously, what is that crap they're playing on my favorite radio station, and why am I finding myself tuning the radio to those stations my parents used to listen to before heading to the oldies section? I swear, maybe I'm just strange, but music today is completely lost on me. I'd love nothing more than if they would bring back music of the 90's and early 00's. Like, 1990-2004. Those fifteen years pumped out some damn good music. I don't know what these kids listen to today, but it just sounds like poo to my ears. Oh, *NSync and Backstreet Boys, why have you forsaken me?!

Back in MY day...So, remember that super awesome thing you did in high school? Maybe it was Senior year? Yeah, dude, that was TWELVE YEARS AGO. I had the sudden realization a while back that I've been out of school the entire duration of one brother and one sister's entire time in the school system, save for Kindergarten. And remember fifth grade graduation when you graduated into middle school, and everything was super scary? That was EIGHTEEN years ago! (Okay, my math might be wrong, clearly I never learned simple addition/subtraction!) Remember when music was good? Remember when people spoke face-to-face in complete sentences? Remember when gas was affordable? Seriously, if you can even so much as think the words "Back then," you're getting old.

I'm a responsible adult now. Hehe, well, the definition of "responsible" and "adult" may be a little loose here and vary from person to person, but you get the idea. Suddenly, you're more concerned with bills than what everyone is doing Saturday night, and your idea of a wild night involves crashing early after working a double shift so you can get up early the next morning and go run errands before your evening shift. Bills start coming before booze, school functions replace wild parties, and the reason you've lost your shirt no longer involves sex as much as it does sheer mental exhaustion. With or without kids.

Silver belles sporting silver hairs. Okay, that's worded weird and sounded better in my head, but you know those one or two gray or silver hairs you found in your twenties that may or may not have had you panicking and running for the hair dye? Yeah, there's a lot more of those now. Maybe not for you, but for me, anyway, and they're multiplying like rabbits. Sadly, I don't even have kids, I get to blame these on work and my husband and my furbabies. Mostly my husband...

Modesty is quickly becoming an option. You know, when I go to the pool or need to look nice for whatever reason, I'll shave and wear something decent. But I no longer care if my neighbors see me in a pair of booty shorts showing off my jungles on my legs with my  hair wrapped up in a towel and my gut poking out a little when I go check my mail. I don't care. Gawk if you want to, take a picture and post it on Facebook, whatever. I'm comfy, and that's all that matters. Hell, it's summer right now and I can count the number of times I've shaved my legs on my fingers. When I go to the doctor or hospital, and they say, put on this little gown and then have to help me figure it out, it doesn't bother me that they see me in all my naked and unshaven glory. I'm not that modest anymore.

And the Mac Daddy of them all...

The newest text speak and chat speak is complete unreal jargon. Srsly. I mean, wtf? Some of the older ones make sense, and I use them daily. But there are more and more shorthand words and phrases that I take one look at and think I'm reading some alien text left by "visitors." Because clearly this isn't English. This isn't even the watered down broken English we speak in the US. This crap that teenagers are using is a whole other language and it's stupid. Klingon makes more sense to me, and I haven't watched an episode of Star Trek in my life. (You can't escape the reference in TV and movies, that's how I know what Klingon is!) And just fyi, for the longest damn time I thought that FTW meant F**k the World. I was TOTALLY misusing!

These are just SOME of the things terrifying me right now, and I am pretty sure there are a bajillion more. I hope like hell that turning thirty isn't the beginning of a downward spiral into becoming a decrepit old fart. But I'll still make it awesome, one way or another. So here's to turning 30, and never actually growing up!!

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