Thursday, December 20, 2012

Wednesdays Top Ten - Christmas Frustrations

Yeah, I'm late. Hopefully, if all goes according to plan, we will have a Daily Top Ten for Wednesday and for Thursday today. I have no idea for sure, though, because I've been frantically working on my book, trying to get it completed before the apocalypse. That, and I had to do my Christmas, yeah, here's Wednesday's post!! :)

Every year around the holidays, most people tell you how wonderful everything is and how they love the season and all the ooey gooey foofey mushy blippity blah that's supposed to make everyone feel all warm and fuzzy. But we neglect the stuff that drives us batsh*t crazy. Which is stupid, because the struggles are what make the ooey gooey foofey stuff worthwhile.We wouldn't really appreciate the goodness of the holidays if we didn't have to go through hell to get there. So, I present you with my personal countdown of My Top Ten Christmas Frustrations.

10. Taking down the decorations. Oh, yeah, putting them up is fun as all get out, but what happens AFTER the holidays?? You have to take all that crap down and start decorating for the next season or holiday. Or, you could be like me, and still have traces of your Christmas decorations on you window from two years ago. (That fake snow spray is a nightmare to get off, and I have a desk blocking the window. It's staying.) Either way, at some point in time or another, you're going to take down the tree, the lights, the candles and candleholders, the window clings, the yard decor, the wall clings, all that crap has to come down. Yeah. How jolly are we now thinking of all that hard work?? :D

9. Overpriced sale items. "Oh, wow!! That big screen TV is marked 50% off, it's only $2999.99 instead of $4999.99!!" Dude, no. That TV that you're willing to pay $3k for just because it's such a huge discount?? It's originally $899.99. And that Furby your kid wants that's $55 at Walmart, and it's SUCH a great price compared to what the tag says it should be? Ten years ago you could get em for half that. They're gonna be around $30 or $40 after the holidays are over. I don't know about you, but I hate overpaying for stuff, especially when they say I'm getting a crazy-good deal.

8. Family get-togethers with that one drunken idiot. Every family has at least one. Some families have multiple, and in some families that's all there is to the family. But dear mother of all that is holy, I hate hate HATE going to a family gathering to celebrate and exchange gifts and all that fun stuff, and that one person walks in drunk as a skunk and causes all kinds of trouble. Or they sit and drink way too much and THEN cause trouble. Then there's the drama queens, the cheek pinchers who don't care that you're fully grown, and the people who never come to see you and you barely know acting like your best friends. Oh, I've been to many family gatherings from many different branches of my expansive family. There's always something to mess up the holidays. 

7. Wrapping gifts. Oh, my goodness, I have OCD and if my gifts don't look like a professional elf straight from the North Pole wrapped them, I flip out. I cannot stand poorly wrapped gifts. Maybe this is just a me thing, I don't know. I love the act of wrapping gifts. I guess it's the re-wrapping that I hate, and all the time it takes to get them all perfect. I don't even have that many gifts, but it's literally a two-day job for me to wrap the ten gifts I have. I recruited help this year. Screw that nonsense, I'm not about to waste any more of my precious time when I'm already too busy to breathe or sleep. (Thanks +Alyne Shaffer!!)

6. Santa. That's right, I said Santa. Have you really stopped to think about this?? We tell our kids there is a magical man who lives in the North Pole with a bunch of elves and his wife, they work all year to make toys for all the little boys and girls all throughout the world, he watches the kids 24/7, he lives off milk and cookies, he knows everything about everyone in the whole wide world, he magically flies around to every house in the world in a magical sleigh pulled by magical reindeer, he goes to all the houses in one night delivering presents to all the children, and he magically drops down and back up the chimney while you sleep. Break this down. This guy is magical, yet we teach our children that real magic is bad bad bad or that it doesn't exist.This guy defies the laws of physics and yet we still expect children to excel in math and science. He eats nothing but milk and cookies yet we want our children to eat their veggies and whatnot. This guy is stalking your children and then once a year he breaks into your house, and you're okay with it because he's got something good for your kids. Yet we want to instill morals into our children, and teach them that breaking and entering is very wrong, and stalking is a horrible thing. Parents, do you wonder why your children stop listening to you???

5. Shopping malls and other stores. UGH. I literally will visit the mall once-MAYBE twice-between the day before Thanksgiving and the first week of January, and that's only if I absolutely have to. I can't stand these fifty bajillion people running into me, not watching where they're going, shoving me out of their way, giving me dirty looks, crowding around me...all so I can get some damn panties from Victoria's Secret?? Are you freaking kidding me? I don't really want to ride the "Standing in Line" game for an hour. Hell, I get cranky when I have to stand in line for more than five minutes. No. No thank you, I'll shop online and have it delivered safely to my home, and I won't have to brave the weather or the crowds or any other pet peeves.

4. Finding the perfect gift for "xx" number of people. I don't care if you're buying for one person or a hundred, you are going to put some kind of thought into finding just the right gift. If you get someone a gift card, it makes you look lazy and like you didn't really care. If you buy the wrong thing, people think you're just stupid, uncaring, or that crazy aunt from A Christmas Story who sent Ralphie that giant pink bunny suit. Either way, bad times. So you have to find just the right gift for each person on your list. I had to shop for 12 people, and I'm STILL shopping! (Yes, I'm a last minute shopper. It's because I don't WANT to go out and fight the crowds!!)

3. Traffic. Holy monkey turds, have you seen the idiot drivers out there?? I mean, come ON, have we ever even heard of a turn signal? And why does everyone feel the need to drive 15 mph UNDER the posted speed limit. They are merely suggestions for a minimum speed anyway, learn where the gas pedal is, people! It's the one that makes you GO. I swear, I don't care if you're going across country or the 4 blocks to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription, the minimum driving time is 20 min, and that's not even including parking. (Which I intentionally left off this list, specifically because I don't have enough words to describe my feelings for the pitiful excuse for a human that drives a truck WAY too big for them and takes up 2-3 parking spaces so I have to walk half a mile. God help that person if I ever get a hold of em...)

2. Credit card bills. Yeah, buddy. When those credit card bills start coming in, and you realize that you spent more than 3 mortgage payments combined just on Christmas, I betcha you feel real good about that. I mean, don't get me wrong, Capital One, Bank of America, and all the other credit card companies LOVE you. But boy those gifts get really expensive when you start adding interest fees to them. Unless you're just so damn well off that you don't have to ever worry about that and have more money you can spend. If that's the case, comment below with your email, and I'll send you the address to send me a big fat check to help me pay my bills. :)

1. Political correctness. Oh, now here's my biggest pet peeve. I don't give a rat's bum if you're Christian, Wiccan, Jewish, African, Buddhist, Muslim, or Atheist. If someone tells you Merry Christmas, you say Merry Christmas back. If someone wishes you Happy Hanukkah,  you say Happy Hanukkah right back. Your God or deity of choice is not going to be angry with you for wishing someone well. It's like if I go to Mexico and someone says hola, I'm not going to be offended because they told me hi in their own language, I'm going to say hola right back to them and hope they speak English for the remainder of the conversation, because it's been a long ass time since I took Spanish. Seriously, people. Ninety nine percent of all Americans have ancestors who immigrated to the US a bajillion years ago (not exact time frame), many of them escaping religious persecution. Land of the free? If we have to hide our religious beliefs in order to avoid possibly offending someone, that's not freedom. It's religious intolerance. And it's stupid. And I'm not going to be afraid to say Merry Christmas anymore.

Merry Christmas. 

1 comment:

  1. This is absolutely hilarious!

    Thank you for posting this good read. I totally can relate.